Carrying the pain and heaviness of fear, anger, sadness and grief can twist our growth and prevent us from living to our full potential.

When we are affected by trauma of any kind, be it from childhood, passed down generationally, from an accident, bullying at school or in the workplace, physical, emotional or sexual abuse, from war or natural disasters or collective social trauma such as the health lockdowns of the last few years, we hold the imprint of the trauma as a wound within our body and psyche. We often find ourselves unable to process the trauma and begin to relive the terrifying sensations whenever we get triggered. This can cause anxiety, panic attacks, terror, emotional outbursts, numbness, feelings of wanting to run away and hide, and any number of confusing and debilitating responses. If you experience post traumatic stress it is vitally important to seek help from a health professional, family member or trusted friend. For me, being in Nature is my great teacher of inquiry and integration. The medicine of the natural world, reflecting to us our true nature, our connection to the Earth, influenced by the seasonal patterns and lunar and planetary cycles.

I would like to share a powerful story of how I was able to put down the weight of my wounds, to alchemise the wisdom of the dark in a nature retreat through a Vision Quest held by Nature’s Apprentice. Claire Dunn, the founder of Nature’s Apprentice, has spent many years working with the traditions of the School of Lost Borders, and with her experienced team, holds an annual Vision Quest on the land in Northern Victoria, Australia. This is powerful journey, witnessing the stories of intention as a group, being held on the land, communicating and storytelling. and then finding a space of solitude in the Australian Bush, to sit for 4 days and nights, with the land and the self. Abstaining from food, to listen deeply, holding your intention, releasing the ego mind to be guided by the soul. On return, on the 5th day, back to the base camp to rest and be nourished by light soup, and the warm holding of the team. Then spending the next few days back in sacred communion, to tell the stories of the Quest, and finally a gentle integration back into community.

The Vision Quest is a powerful and effective way to explore the wounded self, sitting on the land, connecting deeply, with the land mirroring the internal landscape and offering nature’s guide, new pathways of thought to process. Delving into the animal self, the cosmic self, the physical and energetic self. A shamanic journey into the psyche if you will. Going to your chthonic depths.

My intention, was to move from the darkness of the wounded self. To see what lay beneath the layers of survival, of pain and terror, anger and rage. To move past grief and feel into my true essence. To distill the wisdom of the wounds, and hold the experience of light and dark within myself, bringing back the integration to my community.

So I set off at dawn, and came to my spot i had chosen the day before. A grassy space near a fallen tree, I set up my tarp tied to another dead tree, and sat and felt the space. Surrounded by tall gums, tea tree, huge granite boulders loomed above. So many birds and insects, tracks carved out by the animals living around me. I felt still and calm.

My first day was of contemplation, what exactly is holding the dark and the light as one? I spent so many years of my life believing I was black inside, that if anyone came too close or got to know me too well, they would eventually see this and turn away. It wasn’t until I was in my mid 40’s that I broke through that black casing and realised that I was shining gold under all those layers of pain. I had shielded my light to keep me safe from danger, shielded it so well that I convinced myself that my shield was my self. I noticed around me the cycle of life and death within the forest. Growth from decay, Fallen branches becoming the compost to harbour new life. Shedding the unwanted weight to make way for new growth. The cycle of death, decay, rebirth and life.

On the second day I left the soft grass and walked up to the boulders. Such a powerful place. The boulders spoke to me, about patience, about the immense weight and density of time, held within. I saw how the death of a huge tree had crumbled and cracked parts of this ancient being, shattering the casing and I saw myself in this rock. I humbly asked if I could borrow a piece of this huge rock while I sat in my circle, promising to return it to it;s place. To become a symbol - a representation of the weight of my wounds.

I spent a long time with this ‘weight’. Watching it, from where I sat. Seeing it as a metaphor for all of the burdens I have carried over the years. I held this heavy shard, carried it around my circle, feeling it’s affects on my body, my shoulders ached, my back began to hurt, my arms were getting scratched from its rough exterior. But still I kept on carrying it, year after year, carrying the weight of my burdens. I lay down onto the Earth, onto the soft grass, and I placed the rock across my womb, i felt into the pain and woundings of my womb. Of past life hurts that related to my children, my security and broken connection to Earth. I moved it up to my stomach, and felt the heaviness of my woundings that I have never processed or grieved for, that I had stuffed down instead of feeling. Then the same with my chest. A heavy burden on my heart. Of loves lost, Family and communities that have suffered unimaginable terror and death. This was where I carried so much pain. And then I held it on my neck, and felt the memory of many many deaths. Of horrible suffering at he hands of others. I could not even stand to have to rock on my forehead for the sheer weight was unbearable.

I held this boulder like an old friend, one that has been with me, building up with each layer of perceived suffering. One that I had associated to be me! But i am not the weight of my wounds. I finally put down this (tiny) boulder on my fallen tree, and in this symbolic gesture, I felt the lightness within me. I could skip and dance like a small golden fairy. My golden light could shine out and I wasn’t held down by the heaviness of past trauma, be it in this life or any others. I began to dance and sing with the trees and the sun and the wind. Hearing the creek flowing below me, the birds around me. I realised that I could walk the road of the ‘Wounded Healer’ without holding the weight of the Wounds. I could distill the experience, the memory, into it’s essence. Into the medicine, into a profound wisdom of experience.

To have a foot in the shadow, and a foot in the light was a powerful way to be. I was a way-shower. I knew how to take my light into the dark places and lighten the path back, and I was prepared to bring this medicine back to my community.

On the fourth day, I returned my piece of rock back to it’s exact place I found it, and I sat again on the majestic wall of huge boulders, overlooking the valley below. I black and white Kurrawong bird visited me at that time, showing me the beauty of holding dark and light as one, for to be too much in the light is of no use to assist those struggling in the dark, but to hold the medicine, the knowledge and courage to dive into the darkest depths, and bring light to the shadow was a true gift.

We all returned to base camp on the fifth morning at sunrise, an emotional release for me, as I was greeted by those holding vigil for us on the Quest. A nourishing thin soup to break the four day fast. It was a gentle landing over the next few days as we shared our stories, our challenges and epiphanies. It was an amazing journey.

If you are in Australia and would like to experience a Vision Quest with Claire, visit her website: https://www.naturesapprentice.com.au/