The Role of Shame in our Society

Shame is one of the most powerful, and complex reactions that we acquire from a very young age and experience all through our lives. Shame leaves us feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable, embarrassed and humiliated as if we, as a person, are immoral, or improper.
It can cripple our sense of self worth, and gains power from being unspeakable.

Feelings of shame are very common in our younger years, because we are still learning the parameters of the social construct, figuring out what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, first within our families, and then in our society. Then again as teenagers and young adults, we are learning the acceptable parameters of physical relationships, seeking a sexual identity, while conforming to the new social norms as an adult. Shame can be the yard stick with which we measure ourselves in the constantly evolving society.

As uncomfortable as it may feel, shame plays an important role in society, by providing the contrast, for acceptable and non acceptable behaviour. Although this is subjective to the society’s parameters at the time, the use of shame allows self enforcement of unacceptable behaviours. If we want to be accepted in society, shame is there to keep us in check.

The flip side of this, is when our inner critic dictates our self worth, and we begin to detest the person who can never live up to expectations. One may feel rejected, unappreciated, socially awkward, inadequate, overly sensitive, alienated, and may begin to withdraw from society, only able to truly express self behind closed doors. People feeling constant shame may express this as defensive, lashing out with anger, or shrinking back in self protection. They may go over the top trying to make up for the shame felt. It can manifest as social phobias, eating disorders, domestic violence, substance abuse, road rage, schoolyard and workplace bullying, sexual offences and a host of other personal and social problems.

Healing from shame begins with recognising signs of shame, and associated triggers. Understanding the root cause of the trauma that gave rise to shame and the feelings linked to the trauma. Because shame has a crippling affect on the nervous system, re-framing the situation can be beneficial. The key to healing shame, to acceptance of the self, is to see how shame is passed down, enforced by the parameters and rules of society. Healing is reaching a place of self forgiveness, having the courage to be vulnerable and there is a lot of support when one is ready. Working with a therapist, developing strategies to calm the mind and nervous system, and finding a safe place to talk about the other feelings that link to shame are helpful, hypnotherapy and counseling are valuable tools to heal the root cause that led to shame.